Your chronicling of these days and the years always reaches me. The repeated and shifting diagnoses and misdiagnoses called out here are amazing and shocking. Even with the broken back. Wow.
This is beautiful, Jodi. I recognize the comment your friend made, as I feel the same way. I love my mother, but I don't like her very much. We have a hard relationship, and I'm doing intense work to let go of my expectations and release the disappointment that has plagued me my entire life. I didn't have an emotionally healthy mother. I never have, and I know in my head and not yet in my heart that she truly did the best she could raising me and my brother. I'm hoping to let go in enough time to heal that piece for myself. We have reliable breakdowns, and I take breaks of varying lengths to take care of myself. But I always go back, to try, try again. She's my mom. I could never do what you're doing for you ma with my ma. Nope. I did it with my father, he didn't have dementia but it was 5 years of hard work, great loss, and learning with great certainty, that he too, was a challenge and deeply flawed. I won't do that for her. I can't. What I do know for sure is that they both loved me very much, did what they could, and they are/were human beings with their own damage and pain. I have great compassion for their troubles. And I love them. My dad was always the superior mother. Maybe that's why I was able to show up for him. It wasn't easy. I wasn't good at self-care when he was sick, I was very codependent. I'm glad you have this time with your mom. I've never met her, but I feel like I know her and I love her, because of how tenderly you tell your shared stories. I'm elated that you have a part of her back a little more since you got the new hearing aids. That's the loveliest thing. See you soon!
What a gorgeous tribute to your mom and your care for her. Had to do a quick deep dive on vaginas falling out. Doing Kegels as I type. Also, stealing sweet cheeses, although my go-to is sweet baby cheeses... And I totally understand your uncertainty about if you had been called to care for your dad. My sweet husband had to care for his mom for her decade of Alzheimer's, and it was brutal. Although she was in a facility, he would often have to shower her because she would not cooperate with anyone else. Also, you are probably helping more people than you know with your chronicles.
OH my what a journey! I admire your writing style and your honesty. I wish you the best with your journey. I struggled to 'like' both of my parents - of course I love them, but we've had our troubles, something I haven't written about yet. Thank you for your article
The really weird part is, I have her pessary (the thing that holds it up) wrapped up and stored away. I don't know why. It just feels...cold to throw it out while she's still alive but she hasn't needed it since she stopped walking. And squeeze!
Always enjoy your dark humor and perspective(s). My partner just moved to a memory care place. She has long term care insurance; I did a claim. I found the best facility close to our house. Honestly, she’s more “with it” than several others in her wing. Yet I know I couldn’t continue being sole caretaker. FYI, I’ll be re-homing a parrot and two cockatoos. I can only do so much. I bow to you, Jodi, I really do.
Thanks Phebe/Karen. You're lucky about the long term care insurance. FYI, Mom absolutely blossomed in assisted living - all the activities and people to dine with. She loved it, your partner may adjust. I couldn't do this if we didn't have the daytime aides. Mom would have to be in a facility if we didn't have them, and that's just luck of the draw with Mom's careful financial planning. Much love to you and your partner and I'm sure you'll find good homes for the birds. Those big guys are lifetime commitments.
Hello, no amount of thanks can really appreciate the kind of service that you do. You’ve got so much compassion. They say anything that we do always starts from your own backyard. And yes, I’m presently in caregiver mode. My mom. She’s such a sweetheart. I love taking care of my parents. My dad is a very active person. We both care for my mom. Sometimes you feel like it’s the end of the world but somehow you benefit from a higher grace which is like an insurance policy. So, here’s three cheers to your mom and yourself. 🥂
Yups. Some days I just want to walk away and some days I'm filled with so much love I feel like I'm going to explode. Just make sure you have all the paperwork in order - Moms, Dads, and your own. Love to you and yours.
thank you so much, I appreciate your words and your eyeballs. Sounds like you've been in caregiver mode at sometime (or now?) yourself. Sometimes I resent it, other times I think it's why we were put here, to care for each other.
Your chronicling of these days and the years always reaches me. The repeated and shifting diagnoses and misdiagnoses called out here are amazing and shocking. Even with the broken back. Wow.
This moved me to tears. You write with so much love, and honesty, and humor. Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️
thanks, Sarah.
Jodi
I’ll be back to comment
It’s a busy time 🦋
This is beautiful, Jodi. I recognize the comment your friend made, as I feel the same way. I love my mother, but I don't like her very much. We have a hard relationship, and I'm doing intense work to let go of my expectations and release the disappointment that has plagued me my entire life. I didn't have an emotionally healthy mother. I never have, and I know in my head and not yet in my heart that she truly did the best she could raising me and my brother. I'm hoping to let go in enough time to heal that piece for myself. We have reliable breakdowns, and I take breaks of varying lengths to take care of myself. But I always go back, to try, try again. She's my mom. I could never do what you're doing for you ma with my ma. Nope. I did it with my father, he didn't have dementia but it was 5 years of hard work, great loss, and learning with great certainty, that he too, was a challenge and deeply flawed. I won't do that for her. I can't. What I do know for sure is that they both loved me very much, did what they could, and they are/were human beings with their own damage and pain. I have great compassion for their troubles. And I love them. My dad was always the superior mother. Maybe that's why I was able to show up for him. It wasn't easy. I wasn't good at self-care when he was sick, I was very codependent. I'm glad you have this time with your mom. I've never met her, but I feel like I know her and I love her, because of how tenderly you tell your shared stories. I'm elated that you have a part of her back a little more since you got the new hearing aids. That's the loveliest thing. See you soon!
What a gorgeous tribute to your mom and your care for her. Had to do a quick deep dive on vaginas falling out. Doing Kegels as I type. Also, stealing sweet cheeses, although my go-to is sweet baby cheeses... And I totally understand your uncertainty about if you had been called to care for your dad. My sweet husband had to care for his mom for her decade of Alzheimer's, and it was brutal. Although she was in a facility, he would often have to shower her because she would not cooperate with anyone else. Also, you are probably helping more people than you know with your chronicles.
OH my what a journey! I admire your writing style and your honesty. I wish you the best with your journey. I struggled to 'like' both of my parents - of course I love them, but we've had our troubles, something I haven't written about yet. Thank you for your article
That's a tough one. ❤️🩹
I started kegeling about halfway through this piece and I don't think I'll ever stop. Love you.
The really weird part is, I have her pessary (the thing that holds it up) wrapped up and stored away. I don't know why. It just feels...cold to throw it out while she's still alive but she hasn't needed it since she stopped walking. And squeeze!
Knowing Elayne, she could snap back and be back in the dating game at some point. Keep it!
Always enjoy your dark humor and perspective(s). My partner just moved to a memory care place. She has long term care insurance; I did a claim. I found the best facility close to our house. Honestly, she’s more “with it” than several others in her wing. Yet I know I couldn’t continue being sole caretaker. FYI, I’ll be re-homing a parrot and two cockatoos. I can only do so much. I bow to you, Jodi, I really do.
Thanks Phebe/Karen. You're lucky about the long term care insurance. FYI, Mom absolutely blossomed in assisted living - all the activities and people to dine with. She loved it, your partner may adjust. I couldn't do this if we didn't have the daytime aides. Mom would have to be in a facility if we didn't have them, and that's just luck of the draw with Mom's careful financial planning. Much love to you and your partner and I'm sure you'll find good homes for the birds. Those big guys are lifetime commitments.
I love your mother. I love you. I can relate.
Hello, no amount of thanks can really appreciate the kind of service that you do. You’ve got so much compassion. They say anything that we do always starts from your own backyard. And yes, I’m presently in caregiver mode. My mom. She’s such a sweetheart. I love taking care of my parents. My dad is a very active person. We both care for my mom. Sometimes you feel like it’s the end of the world but somehow you benefit from a higher grace which is like an insurance policy. So, here’s three cheers to your mom and yourself. 🥂
Yups. Some days I just want to walk away and some days I'm filled with so much love I feel like I'm going to explode. Just make sure you have all the paperwork in order - Moms, Dads, and your own. Love to you and yours.
thank you so much, I appreciate your words and your eyeballs. Sounds like you've been in caregiver mode at sometime (or now?) yourself. Sometimes I resent it, other times I think it's why we were put here, to care for each other.