Ma had no filter, no internal editor way before dementia. If you were within earshot, you were a target...and if you were fat, well, you were a larger target.
Jodi—this hit me in the chest. The detail, the cadence, the tension between remembering and disappearing… I know it too well.
I lost both my father and grandfather to dementia, and I’ve been trying to write my way through it—not as a cure, but as a form of resistance. I started something called the ROAR Movement: Resisting Oblivion. Amplifying Remembrance. It began with a memoir, Barefoot and Bulletproof, and turned into something I hope will help others hold on to the people they love—word by word, story by story.
Your piece is exactly why I believe this matters. Thank you for remembering her so clearly.
Some moms get away with (mental) murder... I had a grandmother with a mean-spirited mouth. She adored me and only criticized my hair once or twice, but when my little stepsister told her she wanted to be an astronaut when she grew up, my grandmother told her, "You're too fat to fit in the suit." I mean....
She believed as long as she was being honest, it was okay. I tried to explain if no one asked for your opinion, it doesn't count as "just being honest."
Love this. I feel like I know the person she was when she still said things because of how wonderfully you tell these stories. And I have seen a couple of videos over the years. Love everything about this, including the "Thank You" graphic at the end. It's fab (I'm assuming you designed it). xo
I wrote a lengthy comment and then restacked and my comment disappeared but the gist of it was that I also had a mother with dementia and also heard about my weight probably from the time I was born. My kids heard about theirs too. My mother missed the part about grandmothers being nice, and in terms of her own weight, like yours, she never seemed to top 140 pounds. Thank you for your sharp, incisive writing and the experiences that remind me I'm not alone in this world no matter how I may choose to be.
"Stick a fork in me, I'm done!" Like it! That's a great line. You have shown us so brilliantly what it is like being with your mother. Hats off to you. I swear, I couldn't do it. Thank goodness, I didn't have to, but even so, I know my limitations, and they are way, way, way behind yours. You have both my sympathy (probably don't want it) and my admiration.
I wish I could claim credit for that line - and you never know what you can do until it's in your face. They say the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle. Sometimes i think the universe grossly overestimates my abilities. Ah, well, it's all fodder for the stories, innit?
Forgot to say, thanks for the follow. If you would like to subscribe, that's all free. It would help build up my numbers, but I'm not sure what that means. Maybe I get a nod from Substack?
All fodder for the stories, yes, but I imagine you'd just as soon use your imagination. I did think your line about your mother's feigned innocence, "Who me?" was brilliant.
Jodi—this hit me in the chest. The detail, the cadence, the tension between remembering and disappearing… I know it too well.
I lost both my father and grandfather to dementia, and I’ve been trying to write my way through it—not as a cure, but as a form of resistance. I started something called the ROAR Movement: Resisting Oblivion. Amplifying Remembrance. It began with a memoir, Barefoot and Bulletproof, and turned into something I hope will help others hold on to the people they love—word by word, story by story.
Your piece is exactly why I believe this matters. Thank you for remembering her so clearly.
👉 realchatrat.substack.com
It’s a horrible disease, missing someone who is still alive, but not that person anymore. ❤️🩹
Some moms get away with (mental) murder... I had a grandmother with a mean-spirited mouth. She adored me and only criticized my hair once or twice, but when my little stepsister told her she wanted to be an astronaut when she grew up, my grandmother told her, "You're too fat to fit in the suit." I mean....
Grandmas are no supposed to do that! They’re supposed to be the safe place.
Thank you. Food and love, not the same. Relatable 🧡🌹😉
Mine doesn't fat shame but she does have lots of feelings about my sexuality. Oy.
(also, think about the upside of being hard of hearing...)
You know what they say, If it's not one thing, it's your mother!
lol
Ugh, the gaslighting "I didn't say that!" is much too familiar. My mom really really believed in plausible deniability, too.
She believed as long as she was being honest, it was okay. I tried to explain if no one asked for your opinion, it doesn't count as "just being honest."
Love this. I feel like I know the person she was when she still said things because of how wonderfully you tell these stories. And I have seen a couple of videos over the years. Love everything about this, including the "Thank You" graphic at the end. It's fab (I'm assuming you designed it). xo
Yes, I did! Which means you read it via email. Yeah, my efforts are not wasted. Thank you.
I did read it by email, but then I clicked on the HEART and that took me to you post so I could comment! Good job. xo Love you, Ms. Jodi. xo
I wrote a lengthy comment and then restacked and my comment disappeared but the gist of it was that I also had a mother with dementia and also heard about my weight probably from the time I was born. My kids heard about theirs too. My mother missed the part about grandmothers being nice, and in terms of her own weight, like yours, she never seemed to top 140 pounds. Thank you for your sharp, incisive writing and the experiences that remind me I'm not alone in this world no matter how I may choose to be.
I understand that one completely. "not alone no matter how much I may choose to be." Curmudgeons and cranky broads are my favorite people.
"Stick a fork in me, I'm done!" Like it! That's a great line. You have shown us so brilliantly what it is like being with your mother. Hats off to you. I swear, I couldn't do it. Thank goodness, I didn't have to, but even so, I know my limitations, and they are way, way, way behind yours. You have both my sympathy (probably don't want it) and my admiration.
I wish I could claim credit for that line - and you never know what you can do until it's in your face. They say the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle. Sometimes i think the universe grossly overestimates my abilities. Ah, well, it's all fodder for the stories, innit?
Forgot to say, thanks for the follow. If you would like to subscribe, that's all free. It would help build up my numbers, but I'm not sure what that means. Maybe I get a nod from Substack?
All fodder for the stories, yes, but I imagine you'd just as soon use your imagination. I did think your line about your mother's feigned innocence, "Who me?" was brilliant.
All the best to you.