Sometimes, the pain of living outweighs the fear of dying. You have the right to decide how much to fight, how long, under what conditions. But you don’t have the right to fuck up someone else’s future peace of mind in the process.
Wow. I get it. It’s a compliment, I think. And a good thing, I think. And if you take a break, I get it, you have to take care of yourself. I grew up talking and thinking about death and dying—Mom’s family (my grandmother’s generation) were all busy with the business of dying as I was growing up. We spent so much time in hospitals, nursing homes and funerals that it never had any of that big scariness to it. It was just business as normal, which, in fact it is and my parents never shied away from any discussions or tried to shield me. I’m grateful for that.
We talked about end of life decisions and choices and the three of us always knew what the others wanted. My father wanted everything done, no matter what. He died with cancer, emphysema, and heart failure; he died in pain, overweight, with sciatica and spinal stinosis that curtailed his walking (which he’d loved) and he died wanting chocolate and a cigarette and wanting to hang on.
My mother wanted none of it and we’d made those plans as well, unfortunately, as I’ve said before, no action was taken and now it’s too late and she is dying a death of millimeters and seconds and has long ago lost her grasp on the person who raised me.
As an only child, as an addict in recovery who has come very close to death more than my fair share, this has always been on my mind. I think I’m approaching it in a healthy way, I hope I am.
I have the advantage of having no partner, no siblings, no children, so when mom goes, no close family at all that I need to take into consideration.
There’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with any of these kinds of thoughts. If everything in life feels good all the time, we’ve probably had a lobotemy somewhere along the line.
All I want to do here is figure out what I think, process an emotional part of life that is challenging, and if I’m lucky, spark conversations and thoughts in others and maybe help difficult conversations be a little less difficult.
I was making Swiss plans for quite awhile (I think there one of the few places that will provide Medical Assistance in Death without a terminal diagnosis) but it is expensive. Now looking at the Vermont options. I’m with you, I don’t want to eff up anyone’s else’s life or have it be a tragic story. I want everyone to understand that it’s my choice if that is how it goes down.
You're correct about Switzerland, to the best of my knowledge. The only caveat is that you have to have full possession of your faculties at the time, the reason why we didn't pursue that for mom. We had looked into Vermont as well, but there is no place with assisted suicide that considers dementia/Alzheimers a terminal illness. It's tough, and it's a tough thing to ask anyone to help with or be there for. I hope you never have to make use of the various options.❤️🩹
Listen, Jodi. I've already been included in someone's end of life planning as her death doula-provider-conveyer. It requires a trip to Vermont. Sign me up! I'm a believer.
That's a big committment. You're a good friend. I did the death doula trainin years ago, and while it prepared me to work with strangers, it didn't at all address death of loved ones...
We can tawk. I'm good friends with the other person who's got me in her endgame plan. Legally drawn up. You'll probably outlive me, but one never knows, do one? I believe in having agency in your leave-date. If it's needed. And I believe in death with dignity. Having agency over your leave-date is dignity.
I'd like to live to be a cranky old lady screaming at kids and waving my cane around my head, or a crone on the side of the mountain that people trek to see to bathe in my wisdom and healing touch. I'll prolly wind up like every other old Jew in NYC, hanging out a window yelling down at kids, "I saw that, Benny Lipschitz, and I know where you live, I know where you live. I got my eye on you Benny K. Lipschitz!"
Lily Lipshchitz was my favorite great aunt. She died when I was 8 or 9. I used to giggle whenever anyone said her last name, because there was a curse word in it. I see that for you, too.
I'm a middle-aged, single gay man, with dementia running on both sides of the family, and I can't help thinking - quite often - about checking myself out if/when dementia creeps up on me. It's a really good point you make, though, about the years of therapy you might inflict on someone else if you don't plan that exit carefully.
I'm a upper-middle aged, single female only child with cancer on one side, heart problems on the other and a history of drug and alcohol in which I sautéed my brain on a medium flame for two decades. I've often thought of the Thelma & Louise option, the key is doing the do while you're still able.
Maybe we need to form a collective and make secret promises to each other. Only joking a little, because it's not a bad idea.
Once, when I was in a situation where someone was, I thought, about to shoot me in the head, my only regret was what it would do to my mother to see my brains splattered across the walls of the dump I lived in (or any walls for that matter). I definitely don't want to damage anyone else, but I don't want to be stuck here either, when I'm ready to go.
Thanks for reading, and checking in.
You prose poetry always touches a part of my heart.❤️🩹
I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to care for a partner, it changes the power dynamic so drastically. Everybody’s dementia journey is slightly different, I’ve been lucky that mom hasn’t changed into someone combative. Well not all the time. 😉 I hope I can be a sort of light or guidance. And feel free to reach out at any time. Thank you for the coffee, lovey. It’s much Appreciated. 🙏🏻🩵
** please take a look at my resource pages, and make sure you have everything you can set up, all your ducks in a row as it we’re, because things will change and it’s easier if that’s already taken care of.
Hey Jodi, I might have to stop reading you. You make me think about too many things and I’m still uncomfortable with.
That’s actually a good thing
Thank you
Wow. I get it. It’s a compliment, I think. And a good thing, I think. And if you take a break, I get it, you have to take care of yourself. I grew up talking and thinking about death and dying—Mom’s family (my grandmother’s generation) were all busy with the business of dying as I was growing up. We spent so much time in hospitals, nursing homes and funerals that it never had any of that big scariness to it. It was just business as normal, which, in fact it is and my parents never shied away from any discussions or tried to shield me. I’m grateful for that.
We talked about end of life decisions and choices and the three of us always knew what the others wanted. My father wanted everything done, no matter what. He died with cancer, emphysema, and heart failure; he died in pain, overweight, with sciatica and spinal stinosis that curtailed his walking (which he’d loved) and he died wanting chocolate and a cigarette and wanting to hang on.
My mother wanted none of it and we’d made those plans as well, unfortunately, as I’ve said before, no action was taken and now it’s too late and she is dying a death of millimeters and seconds and has long ago lost her grasp on the person who raised me.
As an only child, as an addict in recovery who has come very close to death more than my fair share, this has always been on my mind. I think I’m approaching it in a healthy way, I hope I am.
I have the advantage of having no partner, no siblings, no children, so when mom goes, no close family at all that I need to take into consideration.
There’s nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with any of these kinds of thoughts. If everything in life feels good all the time, we’ve probably had a lobotemy somewhere along the line.
All I want to do here is figure out what I think, process an emotional part of life that is challenging, and if I’m lucky, spark conversations and thoughts in others and maybe help difficult conversations be a little less difficult.
Love you longtime.
I was making Swiss plans for quite awhile (I think there one of the few places that will provide Medical Assistance in Death without a terminal diagnosis) but it is expensive. Now looking at the Vermont options. I’m with you, I don’t want to eff up anyone’s else’s life or have it be a tragic story. I want everyone to understand that it’s my choice if that is how it goes down.
You're correct about Switzerland, to the best of my knowledge. The only caveat is that you have to have full possession of your faculties at the time, the reason why we didn't pursue that for mom. We had looked into Vermont as well, but there is no place with assisted suicide that considers dementia/Alzheimers a terminal illness. It's tough, and it's a tough thing to ask anyone to help with or be there for. I hope you never have to make use of the various options.❤️🩹
Listen, Jodi. I've already been included in someone's end of life planning as her death doula-provider-conveyer. It requires a trip to Vermont. Sign me up! I'm a believer.
That's a big committment. You're a good friend. I did the death doula trainin years ago, and while it prepared me to work with strangers, it didn't at all address death of loved ones...
We can tawk. I'm good friends with the other person who's got me in her endgame plan. Legally drawn up. You'll probably outlive me, but one never knows, do one? I believe in having agency in your leave-date. If it's needed. And I believe in death with dignity. Having agency over your leave-date is dignity.
I'd like to live to be a cranky old lady screaming at kids and waving my cane around my head, or a crone on the side of the mountain that people trek to see to bathe in my wisdom and healing touch. I'll prolly wind up like every other old Jew in NYC, hanging out a window yelling down at kids, "I saw that, Benny Lipschitz, and I know where you live, I know where you live. I got my eye on you Benny K. Lipschitz!"
Lily Lipshchitz was my favorite great aunt. She died when I was 8 or 9. I used to giggle whenever anyone said her last name, because there was a curse word in it. I see that for you, too.
I'm a middle-aged, single gay man, with dementia running on both sides of the family, and I can't help thinking - quite often - about checking myself out if/when dementia creeps up on me. It's a really good point you make, though, about the years of therapy you might inflict on someone else if you don't plan that exit carefully.
I'm a upper-middle aged, single female only child with cancer on one side, heart problems on the other and a history of drug and alcohol in which I sautéed my brain on a medium flame for two decades. I've often thought of the Thelma & Louise option, the key is doing the do while you're still able.
Maybe we need to form a collective and make secret promises to each other. Only joking a little, because it's not a bad idea.
Once, when I was in a situation where someone was, I thought, about to shoot me in the head, my only regret was what it would do to my mother to see my brains splattered across the walls of the dump I lived in (or any walls for that matter). I definitely don't want to damage anyone else, but I don't want to be stuck here either, when I'm ready to go.
Thanks for reading, and checking in.
You prose poetry always touches a part of my heart.❤️🩹
OMG, what a reading to wake up to. I’m caring for my 77 yr old partner/wife. Not quite this bad yet; however she sporadically drives me bonkers.
I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to care for a partner, it changes the power dynamic so drastically. Everybody’s dementia journey is slightly different, I’ve been lucky that mom hasn’t changed into someone combative. Well not all the time. 😉 I hope I can be a sort of light or guidance. And feel free to reach out at any time. Thank you for the coffee, lovey. It’s much Appreciated. 🙏🏻🩵
** please take a look at my resource pages, and make sure you have everything you can set up, all your ducks in a row as it we’re, because things will change and it’s easier if that’s already taken care of.
Thank you for the restack Victoria 🩵