Having blindly rewritten my own history to hide evidence of vulnerability, I don't know who I am. I'm an evidence-based archeological dig of dinosaur bones I'm not sure how to reassemble.
Given how badass cool funny sharp witted AND totally huggable you are I suspected some of the glimpses you've shared in previous articles were small pieces of the elements that have forged you. SO, as always, I'm gonna walk alongside passing over coffee and the good pastries from that place you like, to read/listen to what you find on your dig.
I suspected, but I wasn't quite prepared to see the CAPS written 'miss you muchly' though!!
Sigh . . . this resonates with me so much, as I am sure it does with other women, particularly from our generation. The lack of self worth, being involved with men who reinforced that feeling. I have old diaries that I don’t know when/if I will read. It can be painful to return to those feelings. Thank you for having the courage to share them with such honesty, depth and humor. And I love the Mother Theresa/Nurse Jackie image - perfect.
Thanks Sarah. I go through mine periodically, still trying to who I was, how I got that way, and how I got to be who I am today (pretty happy with today, but still remnants of who I was remain.)
I just adore your writing. You are brave to go through old letters--and then share them with us. But we can all relate to how little we valued ourselves, back when we were our most gorgeous selves.
Boy. Yup. So, I'm reading this and thinking "That's not the Jodi I know, someone who would say 'I miss you muchly." It's the neediness. And one more BOY. I recognize that persona. I was that person, too. For so long. I discovered upon reading the cards I'd sent my dad over and over throughout the years the same thing in myself. My father saved every single one, and I discovered them in a box after he died. I'm grateful to be able to look back as a reality check as to how far I've come, and I'm glad I have them to refer to as I write the memoir about us. But BOY, BOY, BOY. I'm so glad I can see that part of me clearly and don't have to live my life from that place of the deepest well of insecurity and self-loathing. Glad you're back in your home group. How'd est work for you? I thought the training was hilarious, but I was 15 when I did it. The grownups in the room, screaming and yelling about the bathroom rules was terribly entertaining. But my bladder has aged, and I wonder if I would have felt differently had I done it at the age I am now. I'll never know. Thanks for letting me riff. xo
I can feel from afar that you are actively punching out of your current cocoon. Between this kind of excavation and the transition of your publication focus, transformation is afoot. Times like these make me think of walking down a dark one-way hallway. You can't see where you're going and you might bump into some things along the way, but you know you're headed in the right direction.
Another powerful essay. And so honest and hilarious at the same time: "my new life as Mother Theresa as played by Nurse Jackie." Perfect. And those old boyfriends and barely a memory of them. What is life about, huh?
Thank you lovey. For reading, and your kind words. So many pointless names on my list…I could replace so many of them with blah, blah, blah. Seat fillers, until the real thing cane/comes along.
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the voice I knew you had in you, I love the vulnerability here, it’s so relatable, now the question is how and when did this girl with such high standards and soft heart lose herself… then of course is the big question: why? By the way I followed a similar path, not the same as you in terms of events but in the texture of your emotional rollercoaster, yes …. Very curious to see where this goes, keep purging!
Thanks Natasha, for the encouragement. That's the part I'm hesitating about, the source. I know, and I don't know. I know and don't want to look. I know, and I have to look and pick it apart. I believe we're all born perfect little things, clean lumps of clay. Not blaming it all on parents, but nurture, culture, happenstance, Acts of God, geography and timing, all that contributes for better or worse.
One other thing, I know it feels like a purge to you but remember I’m on your side, I’m not judging, just eager to hear the fascinating story of a woman who has lived life on the edge, so give me the picture, let me see your world … am also talking to myself here, and thinking of my own writing, the ways I judge myself that silence me … and where it comes from … Listen, I get it …
Check out a YouTube video channel called Evita PK, suspect it may resonate…. And go gently with yourself… also remember that when writing it’s better to look out to find what you’re looking at, an unraveling of places, people, photos and even parties can open surprise paths … just paint the picture, that’s a lot of P’s 😉 I love the way you use the photos in this piece, just gorgeous
I've known a few “libertines” in my day, including one of my own kids-sad to say. My husband is find f saying that if he weren't our kid, we wouldn't have anything to do with him.
I don't feel that way cause I'm MOM, but I digress.
Nobody should make you feel less than, you probably don't need any help in that area if youre like me. (a guilt-ridden mess) l am so lucky Dave and I found each other. Don't give up on love ❤️
Thanks, Kim. I must've felt badly back then, 1977, almost 50 years ago, but I don't remember that. I was surprised by that letter and the boy (who is now a man) is a friend today. Thanks for reading, and the words of support.
This resonates with me to some degree. While I wasn't ever one to abuse substances of any sort, I was extremely low confidence and self esteem for a great part of my life. But I had no clue about it. No idea that I valued myself so little.
I married the first guy who showed any interest in me whatsoever, not realizing at the time that he was as much of a mess as I was, if not more. We met and dated throughout high school, then married at 20.
We draw to us those most like us it seems.
Then, after 12 years of marriage, he left and even though he left me with four kids ages 2.5 - 11.5, I was never so glad to see someone go. It felt like an elephant got off of my chest.
He, feeling he was somehow superior to me, lorded his superiority over me for many years, making me feel small and unworthy.
Then, about a decade or so ago, I began to write. I got back into my art. I found ME in the mess of regrets I was wallowing in.
I read something or heard it on a podcast one day about asking God for forgiveness, and that combined with someone talking about tossing your regrets into a pond and allowing them to sink like rocks.
I spent about 45 minutes in a hot bath (okay hot at first), balling my eyes out, picking up handfuls of water and using them as my 'rocks'. I would toss them aside and forgive either myself or someone else for probably close to a couple dozen things that came up in that time.
I felt so cleansed and free. Light.
I also started seeing my ex for who he was, a (now) philanderer, twice divorced and living with the woman who is now his third wife. I saw him for the man who needed to control me because he felt that the rest of his life was out of control. I saw him for the weak man he was, a man who felt belittling me made him feel bigger.
I once tolerated him - for our kids. They're all grown now and we all live about 2 hours south of him. He rarely comes to visit anymore. He misses out on so much. We have the most wonderful 8 grandchildren and he hardly sees them. I'm the lucky one!
It took me 40 years to realize this - screw him and his narcissism. I am a strong woman, confident in my abilities, not needing a man to make me feel special, not caring what other people think.
Life is messy - but for those of us who've survived, no, thrived in the mess...I think that's okay.
I can't say I wouldn't choose him again because it feels like then I wouldn't have the 4 wonderful kids and 8 beautiful grandkids I have now. But I wish I had been a different person then. I wish I was as happy then as I am now, being my true self.
To heck with those who don't like it...that's their problem :)
I would not go through "youth" again for all the money in the world. Big ups to kids (boys and girls) who come through unscathed, but it is just so freaking awkward. Glad you got free, glad we've connected. You've got a powerful lot to say. Thanks for reading and sharing your experience. I love the idea of throwing rocks in the water. I'd come to think of my "character defects" as bowling balls in my backpack. I could lay them down anytime and lighten my load. If I missed them, I could always retreat and pick them up again. I haven't found it necessary to do that. 🎈
Given how badass cool funny sharp witted AND totally huggable you are I suspected some of the glimpses you've shared in previous articles were small pieces of the elements that have forged you. SO, as always, I'm gonna walk alongside passing over coffee and the good pastries from that place you like, to read/listen to what you find on your dig.
I suspected, but I wasn't quite prepared to see the CAPS written 'miss you muchly' though!!
Hugs
Sigh . . . this resonates with me so much, as I am sure it does with other women, particularly from our generation. The lack of self worth, being involved with men who reinforced that feeling. I have old diaries that I don’t know when/if I will read. It can be painful to return to those feelings. Thank you for having the courage to share them with such honesty, depth and humor. And I love the Mother Theresa/Nurse Jackie image - perfect.
Thanks Sarah. I go through mine periodically, still trying to who I was, how I got that way, and how I got to be who I am today (pretty happy with today, but still remnants of who I was remain.)
Jodi, another very relatable excellent essay. I love purging. I am still untangling from unworthiness, the watering hose in all the wrong places.
I remember the blizzard of 77 very well. I was in Buffalo where most of my drinking and shady nights went dark.
And for that last drink I am blessed.
Thank you for thisLife review.
So happy for your sobriety on all levels
💙🌹💙
I just adore your writing. You are brave to go through old letters--and then share them with us. But we can all relate to how little we valued ourselves, back when we were our most gorgeous selves.
Boy. Yup. So, I'm reading this and thinking "That's not the Jodi I know, someone who would say 'I miss you muchly." It's the neediness. And one more BOY. I recognize that persona. I was that person, too. For so long. I discovered upon reading the cards I'd sent my dad over and over throughout the years the same thing in myself. My father saved every single one, and I discovered them in a box after he died. I'm grateful to be able to look back as a reality check as to how far I've come, and I'm glad I have them to refer to as I write the memoir about us. But BOY, BOY, BOY. I'm so glad I can see that part of me clearly and don't have to live my life from that place of the deepest well of insecurity and self-loathing. Glad you're back in your home group. How'd est work for you? I thought the training was hilarious, but I was 15 when I did it. The grownups in the room, screaming and yelling about the bathroom rules was terribly entertaining. But my bladder has aged, and I wonder if I would have felt differently had I done it at the age I am now. I'll never know. Thanks for letting me riff. xo
Boy oh boy lol, Nan. We are blessed
I can feel from afar that you are actively punching out of your current cocoon. Between this kind of excavation and the transition of your publication focus, transformation is afoot. Times like these make me think of walking down a dark one-way hallway. You can't see where you're going and you might bump into some things along the way, but you know you're headed in the right direction.
Another powerful essay. And so honest and hilarious at the same time: "my new life as Mother Theresa as played by Nurse Jackie." Perfect. And those old boyfriends and barely a memory of them. What is life about, huh?
Thank you lovey. For reading, and your kind words. So many pointless names on my list…I could replace so many of them with blah, blah, blah. Seat fillers, until the real thing cane/comes along.
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the voice I knew you had in you, I love the vulnerability here, it’s so relatable, now the question is how and when did this girl with such high standards and soft heart lose herself… then of course is the big question: why? By the way I followed a similar path, not the same as you in terms of events but in the texture of your emotional rollercoaster, yes …. Very curious to see where this goes, keep purging!
Thanks Natasha, for the encouragement. That's the part I'm hesitating about, the source. I know, and I don't know. I know and don't want to look. I know, and I have to look and pick it apart. I believe we're all born perfect little things, clean lumps of clay. Not blaming it all on parents, but nurture, culture, happenstance, Acts of God, geography and timing, all that contributes for better or worse.
One other thing, I know it feels like a purge to you but remember I’m on your side, I’m not judging, just eager to hear the fascinating story of a woman who has lived life on the edge, so give me the picture, let me see your world … am also talking to myself here, and thinking of my own writing, the ways I judge myself that silence me … and where it comes from … Listen, I get it …
Check out a YouTube video channel called Evita PK, suspect it may resonate…. And go gently with yourself… also remember that when writing it’s better to look out to find what you’re looking at, an unraveling of places, people, photos and even parties can open surprise paths … just paint the picture, that’s a lot of P’s 😉 I love the way you use the photos in this piece, just gorgeous
I'm so sorry you had this horrid experience.
I've known a few “libertines” in my day, including one of my own kids-sad to say. My husband is find f saying that if he weren't our kid, we wouldn't have anything to do with him.
I don't feel that way cause I'm MOM, but I digress.
Nobody should make you feel less than, you probably don't need any help in that area if youre like me. (a guilt-ridden mess) l am so lucky Dave and I found each other. Don't give up on love ❤️
Thanks, Kim. I must've felt badly back then, 1977, almost 50 years ago, but I don't remember that. I was surprised by that letter and the boy (who is now a man) is a friend today. Thanks for reading, and the words of support.
This resonates with me to some degree. While I wasn't ever one to abuse substances of any sort, I was extremely low confidence and self esteem for a great part of my life. But I had no clue about it. No idea that I valued myself so little.
I married the first guy who showed any interest in me whatsoever, not realizing at the time that he was as much of a mess as I was, if not more. We met and dated throughout high school, then married at 20.
We draw to us those most like us it seems.
Then, after 12 years of marriage, he left and even though he left me with four kids ages 2.5 - 11.5, I was never so glad to see someone go. It felt like an elephant got off of my chest.
He, feeling he was somehow superior to me, lorded his superiority over me for many years, making me feel small and unworthy.
Then, about a decade or so ago, I began to write. I got back into my art. I found ME in the mess of regrets I was wallowing in.
I read something or heard it on a podcast one day about asking God for forgiveness, and that combined with someone talking about tossing your regrets into a pond and allowing them to sink like rocks.
I spent about 45 minutes in a hot bath (okay hot at first), balling my eyes out, picking up handfuls of water and using them as my 'rocks'. I would toss them aside and forgive either myself or someone else for probably close to a couple dozen things that came up in that time.
I felt so cleansed and free. Light.
I also started seeing my ex for who he was, a (now) philanderer, twice divorced and living with the woman who is now his third wife. I saw him for the man who needed to control me because he felt that the rest of his life was out of control. I saw him for the weak man he was, a man who felt belittling me made him feel bigger.
I once tolerated him - for our kids. They're all grown now and we all live about 2 hours south of him. He rarely comes to visit anymore. He misses out on so much. We have the most wonderful 8 grandchildren and he hardly sees them. I'm the lucky one!
It took me 40 years to realize this - screw him and his narcissism. I am a strong woman, confident in my abilities, not needing a man to make me feel special, not caring what other people think.
Life is messy - but for those of us who've survived, no, thrived in the mess...I think that's okay.
I can't say I wouldn't choose him again because it feels like then I wouldn't have the 4 wonderful kids and 8 beautiful grandkids I have now. But I wish I had been a different person then. I wish I was as happy then as I am now, being my true self.
To heck with those who don't like it...that's their problem :)
I would not go through "youth" again for all the money in the world. Big ups to kids (boys and girls) who come through unscathed, but it is just so freaking awkward. Glad you got free, glad we've connected. You've got a powerful lot to say. Thanks for reading and sharing your experience. I love the idea of throwing rocks in the water. I'd come to think of my "character defects" as bowling balls in my backpack. I could lay them down anytime and lighten my load. If I missed them, I could always retreat and pick them up again. I haven't found it necessary to do that. 🎈
I love that bowling ball idea too!