I can understand why this piece was shared so widely. I was among when of the last lucky ones able to shift some funds around and get Medicaid to provide 24 live in home care when my mother needed it. I don't know what I would have done otherwise, but not as well you are doing, I'm sure.
"I used to be shocked at a friend who’d hand her newborn off to just about anyone, then walk away to talk to this one or that."
I took a bus the other day and a dad came in with a baby in a stroller and a 4 year old daughter. He put the stroller in a corner and went upstairs with the 4 year old! I was mindblown by his level of certainty that nobody would snatch that baby...
Took me a second, then I remembered you’re in the UK, with double decker buses. No, way to risky, someone could have hoped off and run! My mind is blown when people leave their dogs tied to a fire hydrant while they go into a store or a restaurant. I’ve also been known to (and this is never appreciated), grab a toddler by the collar and yell, “does anyone belong to this child?” when I find one wandering alone in a store. Never appreciated, though I think of it as a public service and figure if that happens enough times maybe they’ll stop risking their child’s safety for fear of further embarrassment.
Jodi, good article. I’m a sober alcoholic with dementia. Thanks for the reminder to “do the next right thing.” I can use that in my Substack work, too. I’m grateful I’m not a caregiver though one day I’ll rethink that premise. I now feel guilty for all the extra work my caregiver gives me. One day I’ll have the right perspective.
Thank you for your humour - it's such a hard path to be on. I laughed at this essay...especially the Exorcist reference. Dementia is non-stop absurdity (mixed in with horror movie vibes). Luckily, you don't have to be perfect, just present as much as possible.
Anti-anxiety drugs in pureed papaya? Sounds like it needs a name. Tropical Chill? Orange Nap? Fruity Who Gives A Fuck? I'm sure it could get top dollar at a local juice cart.
I also used to be the escapadeiest (cue Janet Jackson) I don't miss a lot of it but damn things can get stale at times. I'm sorry you don't get hot showers and uninterrupted poop time. Those are crucial in my world.
Even with all your candid disclosures, I still think you're saintly. Doing the next right thing ain't always easy, in fact it's often a real drag. Lately when I've tried to enjoy a cocktail or a glass of wine I feel absolutely nauseous, which is fine as it's contraindicated with all my med biz anyway. But knowing that particular escape isn't available to me anymore does give me cause to sigh. It's good to know peeps like you are dealing with life clean and surviving. Inspiring 🩷
Oh, yeah, I could not do this if I wasn't sober, but I was never a "glass of wine" girl. I was always MORE PLEASE AND NOW of anything and everything. I'm not doing everything I'd like to be doing these days, but it's all my choice and I'm pretty happy with the life I have. (also, I LOVE Fruity Who Gives a Fuck - it I steal it, I'll be sure to credit you).
I love this. I'm not a cleaner either. I'm more of a straighten-upper who's shortly followed by a messer-upper. I've decided that the creative mind isn't something you should straighten up - kills the creativity, ya know? How can I keep working on a piece if everything gets put away?
In seriousness, I. hear where you're coming from. I too have been called a good daughter. I've heard things like 'I wish my daughter was like you'. No, you don't. Truly you don't. I'm a mess, just like the rest of the world, I just choose not to cover that up by pretending to be someone I'm not. I think one of the things I enjoy most about your writing is that you don't pretend to be someone you aren't either. You're you, take it or leave it. I like it!
Thanks, Kirbie. I feel seen. Same with the “I wish my daughter…” and same, you don’t know what you don’t know. I was every mother’s nightmare the first 33 years and I can never make up for what I put my mom through. This is part of it, but, yup, no angels here. Just doing the next right thing as it appears, when I can. ❤️🩹
Honesty and humor - nailed it again. Also, I noticed the word Mom popping out at me while reading which emphasized for me how much momming you are doing. I know you never had kids, but you are living the life of a parent full-stop. It will never feel perfect which probably means you're doing it right. And about "right," I always told my kids to just look for the next right step when they were lost or confused about something - especially my Type A overachiever daughter. That if they just kept taking the next right step rather than worrying about the entire journey, the path would reveal itself. You're on the path.
Me too! But I'll probably be in your neck of the woods again in August. Might be coming up to accompany Keaton to his heart doctor appointment. I'll let you know!
Jodi, you captured it exactly the way it is. I hope you get a break soon. I too am a neatener more than a cleaner. This made me laugh and nod in recognition. Thank you.
Thanks. I’m glad we’ve connected. The women I’ve “met” on Substack help me feel grounded. You’re part of that. Something about the consistency of sharing each others lives…
Love “do the next right thing”. I used to torture myself so much, second-guessing decisions. But this phrase gives a better perspective. And neatening and puttering I love too, especially puttering. That word makes me think of my dad, who used that word to encompass his many hobbies.❤️ thank you for sharing your world with us so descriptively and with such honesty. And I must still nominate you for sainthood!
I know that it’s our feelings of guilt about how we appear to others vs. how we act for real. But you have it harder than a young person with an infant.
Infants weigh nothing. They can’t talk back. They are the before.
Our parents are the afters. It’s hard to be an older adult taking care of an even older one, and despite what you think is privilege (having help you can afford), you are still allowed to feel all the things while doing all the things. You’re still allowed to want more out of your life.
I don’t know if I could do what you do. It’s fucking hard.
But don’t berate yourself for not being perfect. I don’t know any perfect people. I wouldn’t like them anyway.
Gee Jodi, thanks. yes it would be easier if. I often wonder through the years what I would have done if someone had kept beer in our fridge. I don’t envy you.
I’d be bound to take them - till I thought about the consequences. I have to remember the best - known and sometimes only - thing I do today is to not pick up that drink or pill or joint today. Then the rest is cake, IF I don’t make a bill deal about it, I think that’s when you’re right-sized. I’m no saint either nor am I a caregiver in name, but I try to be the best Judi I can.
Right there with you. I haven’t touched her meds, for my own pleasure, but it would be easier if they weren’t here. I think you’re a terrific Judy, the best.
I don't think I'm berating myself, just not comfortable on any kind of pedestal, 'cuz believe me, I think about running away from home, or just taking a taste of her meds way more than I should. And I often think, fuck, if I'd wanted to be a mother, I'd have been a mother. But, I do appreciate what you're saying. Thank you.
I'm a neatener, too. I adore the origin of the expression, "just do the next right thing." I was blown away when I found out it came from Carl Jung. Thank you for introducing us to your human side. Humility is good, but honey, more than one state can exist at the same time, at least in my definition of what a saint. Sorry, Jodi. You're a saint, I'm sticking to it. And Mother Teresa? She wasn't such a saint. She was human and quite flawed. Thank you for candid self. Your honesty is one of things I love best about you. xo
Right, I mean, dust? It's back moments after you remove. We have an understanding, me and dust. I'm allergic. I don't bother it, it doesn't bother me. And thank you babes, for your words of encouragement...for my next miracle, I'll stay sober another day. 🤪
I can understand why this piece was shared so widely. I was among when of the last lucky ones able to shift some funds around and get Medicaid to provide 24 live in home care when my mother needed it. I don't know what I would have done otherwise, but not as well you are doing, I'm sure.
"I used to be shocked at a friend who’d hand her newborn off to just about anyone, then walk away to talk to this one or that."
I took a bus the other day and a dad came in with a baby in a stroller and a 4 year old daughter. He put the stroller in a corner and went upstairs with the 4 year old! I was mindblown by his level of certainty that nobody would snatch that baby...
Took me a second, then I remembered you’re in the UK, with double decker buses. No, way to risky, someone could have hoped off and run! My mind is blown when people leave their dogs tied to a fire hydrant while they go into a store or a restaurant. I’ve also been known to (and this is never appreciated), grab a toddler by the collar and yell, “does anyone belong to this child?” when I find one wandering alone in a store. Never appreciated, though I think of it as a public service and figure if that happens enough times maybe they’ll stop risking their child’s safety for fear of further embarrassment.
Jodi, good article. I’m a sober alcoholic with dementia. Thanks for the reminder to “do the next right thing.” I can use that in my Substack work, too. I’m grateful I’m not a caregiver though one day I’ll rethink that premise. I now feel guilty for all the extra work my caregiver gives me. One day I’ll have the right perspective.
Thank you for your humour - it's such a hard path to be on. I laughed at this essay...especially the Exorcist reference. Dementia is non-stop absurdity (mixed in with horror movie vibes). Luckily, you don't have to be perfect, just present as much as possible.
Present I can do! Thanks for reading and checking in. 💕
Anti-anxiety drugs in pureed papaya? Sounds like it needs a name. Tropical Chill? Orange Nap? Fruity Who Gives A Fuck? I'm sure it could get top dollar at a local juice cart.
I also used to be the escapadeiest (cue Janet Jackson) I don't miss a lot of it but damn things can get stale at times. I'm sorry you don't get hot showers and uninterrupted poop time. Those are crucial in my world.
Even with all your candid disclosures, I still think you're saintly. Doing the next right thing ain't always easy, in fact it's often a real drag. Lately when I've tried to enjoy a cocktail or a glass of wine I feel absolutely nauseous, which is fine as it's contraindicated with all my med biz anyway. But knowing that particular escape isn't available to me anymore does give me cause to sigh. It's good to know peeps like you are dealing with life clean and surviving. Inspiring 🩷
Oh, yeah, I could not do this if I wasn't sober, but I was never a "glass of wine" girl. I was always MORE PLEASE AND NOW of anything and everything. I'm not doing everything I'd like to be doing these days, but it's all my choice and I'm pretty happy with the life I have. (also, I LOVE Fruity Who Gives a Fuck - it I steal it, I'll be sure to credit you).
Steal away!
Thank you for keeping it real! It’s “the rules” that are unrealistic
I've never been great with rules. Unless of course, I'm the one making them. Even then, I rarely listen to myself.❣️
I love this. I'm not a cleaner either. I'm more of a straighten-upper who's shortly followed by a messer-upper. I've decided that the creative mind isn't something you should straighten up - kills the creativity, ya know? How can I keep working on a piece if everything gets put away?
In seriousness, I. hear where you're coming from. I too have been called a good daughter. I've heard things like 'I wish my daughter was like you'. No, you don't. Truly you don't. I'm a mess, just like the rest of the world, I just choose not to cover that up by pretending to be someone I'm not. I think one of the things I enjoy most about your writing is that you don't pretend to be someone you aren't either. You're you, take it or leave it. I like it!
Thanks, Kirbie. I feel seen. Same with the “I wish my daughter…” and same, you don’t know what you don’t know. I was every mother’s nightmare the first 33 years and I can never make up for what I put my mom through. This is part of it, but, yup, no angels here. Just doing the next right thing as it appears, when I can. ❤️🩹
Honesty and humor - nailed it again. Also, I noticed the word Mom popping out at me while reading which emphasized for me how much momming you are doing. I know you never had kids, but you are living the life of a parent full-stop. It will never feel perfect which probably means you're doing it right. And about "right," I always told my kids to just look for the next right step when they were lost or confused about something - especially my Type A overachiever daughter. That if they just kept taking the next right step rather than worrying about the entire journey, the path would reveal itself. You're on the path.
I wish Texas was closer to Queens. 💕
Me too! But I'll probably be in your neck of the woods again in August. Might be coming up to accompany Keaton to his heart doctor appointment. I'll let you know!
Jodi, you captured it exactly the way it is. I hope you get a break soon. I too am a neatener more than a cleaner. This made me laugh and nod in recognition. Thank you.
Thanks. I’m glad we’ve connected. The women I’ve “met” on Substack help me feel grounded. You’re part of that. Something about the consistency of sharing each others lives…
You’re pretty close to saint in my book. And you’re funny!
What’s that saying? Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades? 😉
See, funny.
Love “do the next right thing”. I used to torture myself so much, second-guessing decisions. But this phrase gives a better perspective. And neatening and puttering I love too, especially puttering. That word makes me think of my dad, who used that word to encompass his many hobbies.❤️ thank you for sharing your world with us so descriptively and with such honesty. And I must still nominate you for sainthood!
I know that it’s our feelings of guilt about how we appear to others vs. how we act for real. But you have it harder than a young person with an infant.
Infants weigh nothing. They can’t talk back. They are the before.
Our parents are the afters. It’s hard to be an older adult taking care of an even older one, and despite what you think is privilege (having help you can afford), you are still allowed to feel all the things while doing all the things. You’re still allowed to want more out of your life.
I don’t know if I could do what you do. It’s fucking hard.
But don’t berate yourself for not being perfect. I don’t know any perfect people. I wouldn’t like them anyway.
Gee Jodi, thanks. yes it would be easier if. I often wonder through the years what I would have done if someone had kept beer in our fridge. I don’t envy you.
I’d be bound to take them - till I thought about the consequences. I have to remember the best - known and sometimes only - thing I do today is to not pick up that drink or pill or joint today. Then the rest is cake, IF I don’t make a bill deal about it, I think that’s when you’re right-sized. I’m no saint either nor am I a caregiver in name, but I try to be the best Judi I can.
Right there with you. I haven’t touched her meds, for my own pleasure, but it would be easier if they weren’t here. I think you’re a terrific Judy, the best.
I don't think I'm berating myself, just not comfortable on any kind of pedestal, 'cuz believe me, I think about running away from home, or just taking a taste of her meds way more than I should. And I often think, fuck, if I'd wanted to be a mother, I'd have been a mother. But, I do appreciate what you're saying. Thank you.
I'm a neatener, too. I adore the origin of the expression, "just do the next right thing." I was blown away when I found out it came from Carl Jung. Thank you for introducing us to your human side. Humility is good, but honey, more than one state can exist at the same time, at least in my definition of what a saint. Sorry, Jodi. You're a saint, I'm sticking to it. And Mother Teresa? She wasn't such a saint. She was human and quite flawed. Thank you for candid self. Your honesty is one of things I love best about you. xo
Right, I mean, dust? It's back moments after you remove. We have an understanding, me and dust. I'm allergic. I don't bother it, it doesn't bother me. And thank you babes, for your words of encouragement...for my next miracle, I'll stay sober another day. 🤪
Now, that's a miracle I can get behind! And yes. Dust. Pfffft. xo
I don’t know how to reply to that
Only that you would use this to spread an unsubstantiated rumor & misinformation