Somewhere, sometime, when I wasn’t busy talking, I realized the value of silence, of being quiet with someone, of communicating even if they can’t or don’t want to respond, of holding hands & combing hair as a love language.
"Caring for someone this deeply frightens me. It’s too large, too much, it has its own sphere of gravity. It’s a vulnerability, a chink in my armor."
I can relate to this. I found it hard to drop my armor for the five years I cared for my mom. I ran her day like a military commander, instilling routine. My brother is much better at offering the warmth and tenderness she craves/needs.
Oh my Jodi, what a delicious full course meal you provided. I taste all of this, familiar with all the ingredients with my Libby occupying my bed many nights a week without words but all the emotions you express sideways for me here from the womb to know
A tender solitude. What a beautiful way to describe it.
The mother daughter connection is powerful, even more so when there’s a vulnerability on one side. When love finds ways outside of words. Love to you and Libby, to all of your girls. 🩵🩵
So good. So good. You and your mom. You have such a special connection to one another, and I know it wasn't always easy, but I have to tell you, even though I know I have strong values and care for the people I love, I could never take of my mother the way you've taken care of yours. It would kill me. At least I think it would. Maybe I'm not far enough along in my recovery....xo
Maybe, but we've always had a very enmeshed, no one can keep a boundary type of relationship. You did the same for your neighbor, which you shared this week. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and we all do the best we can with what we got. I believe that, even when it doesn't look like people are — doing the best they can — I imagine not everyone can actually see what they have to offer and what their limits are. My life would be easier if I put her in a nursing home. I couldn't live with myself if I did, which means it's my choice and that means I can only complain so much.
Everything is a choice. Just sometimes only one seems bearable.🩵
There's something about the basic flaws in AI generated art that I really enjoy, and seeing how it parses out my descriptions. I have another 'stack I'll be launching soon, all about old Times Square, and I've used AI to give it a kind of Blaxploitation era feel.
I'm glad you're enjoying the essays. Thanks for connecting. And Mom would be thrilled to know someone is clocking her fashionista leanings.
Such a beautiful meditation on the depth and meaning and rewards of care, I loved it. I would just like to add that in some nursing homes, perhaps especially with family support, people can flourish and live satisfying and rewarding lives. I did an oral history project on the life stories of people living in care/nursing homes a couple of years ago and met some amazing staff, residents and families who made the set up work between them. But yes, sadly the opposite is also true x
Thanks, Sasha. There are amazing staff, it’s an impossible job and probably has a high burnout rate especially because the resident to staff ratio is never high enough. Soo many horror stories, but sometimes, there is no choice and people thrive. My aunt seemed pretty happy there. Mom loved her assisted living, but you’re correct about family support. In any medical setting, family support is invaluable. Nice to connect!
There is a redefining of caregiving here that I resonate with at my DNA level, plus the bothness of armour and vulnerability. There are many reductive assumptions about giving care. Those of us deep in it know the immeasurable power and strength we need (I don't like 'endurance' and sometimes not even 'resilience' as descriptors)....super-agility and vulnerability to anticipate and connect telepathically with love... gets closer.
So, with my inability to articulate precisely what caregiving means to me/how I define it, I appreciate your gift of sharing and expressing your thoughts. It helps me self-identify with pieces I feel akin to.
I'd forgotten that word, telepathy. I think of it more as, as I said, the Vulcan mind meld, with her, with random doggos. I think it has most to do with trying to keep an open heart and experiencing the world with one's heart. It's as real as the five usual senses. Thank you for your kind comments.
"Caring for someone this deeply frightens me. It’s too large, too much, it has its own sphere of gravity. It’s a vulnerability, a chink in my armor."
I can relate to this. I found it hard to drop my armor for the five years I cared for my mom. I ran her day like a military commander, instilling routine. My brother is much better at offering the warmth and tenderness she craves/needs.
Oh my Jodi, what a delicious full course meal you provided. I taste all of this, familiar with all the ingredients with my Libby occupying my bed many nights a week without words but all the emotions you express sideways for me here from the womb to know
A tender solitude
Just lovely
Thank you dear
A tender solitude. What a beautiful way to describe it.
The mother daughter connection is powerful, even more so when there’s a vulnerability on one side. When love finds ways outside of words. Love to you and Libby, to all of your girls. 🩵🩵
Yes so true
So good. So good. You and your mom. You have such a special connection to one another, and I know it wasn't always easy, but I have to tell you, even though I know I have strong values and care for the people I love, I could never take of my mother the way you've taken care of yours. It would kill me. At least I think it would. Maybe I'm not far enough along in my recovery....xo
Maybe, but we've always had a very enmeshed, no one can keep a boundary type of relationship. You did the same for your neighbor, which you shared this week. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and we all do the best we can with what we got. I believe that, even when it doesn't look like people are — doing the best they can — I imagine not everyone can actually see what they have to offer and what their limits are. My life would be easier if I put her in a nursing home. I couldn't live with myself if I did, which means it's my choice and that means I can only complain so much.
Everything is a choice. Just sometimes only one seems bearable.🩵
Beautiful same
I could do the same
And it bear it
🌹
A beautiful mystery
I love your essays, and your use of AI. Although I love your Mom's daily outfits.
There's something about the basic flaws in AI generated art that I really enjoy, and seeing how it parses out my descriptions. I have another 'stack I'll be launching soon, all about old Times Square, and I've used AI to give it a kind of Blaxploitation era feel.
I'm glad you're enjoying the essays. Thanks for connecting. And Mom would be thrilled to know someone is clocking her fashionista leanings.
"Direct heart-to-heart is the only way now" ❤️
You know how we do.
Such a beautiful meditation on the depth and meaning and rewards of care, I loved it. I would just like to add that in some nursing homes, perhaps especially with family support, people can flourish and live satisfying and rewarding lives. I did an oral history project on the life stories of people living in care/nursing homes a couple of years ago and met some amazing staff, residents and families who made the set up work between them. But yes, sadly the opposite is also true x
Thanks, Sasha. There are amazing staff, it’s an impossible job and probably has a high burnout rate especially because the resident to staff ratio is never high enough. Soo many horror stories, but sometimes, there is no choice and people thrive. My aunt seemed pretty happy there. Mom loved her assisted living, but you’re correct about family support. In any medical setting, family support is invaluable. Nice to connect!
Beautifully put, Jodi. Really touching.
Thanks, Wendy. It’s such an odd exercise, trying to parse out complicated emotions. Thanks for reading, and for your kind words.
There is a redefining of caregiving here that I resonate with at my DNA level, plus the bothness of armour and vulnerability. There are many reductive assumptions about giving care. Those of us deep in it know the immeasurable power and strength we need (I don't like 'endurance' and sometimes not even 'resilience' as descriptors)....super-agility and vulnerability to anticipate and connect telepathically with love... gets closer.
So, with my inability to articulate precisely what caregiving means to me/how I define it, I appreciate your gift of sharing and expressing your thoughts. It helps me self-identify with pieces I feel akin to.
I'd forgotten that word, telepathy. I think of it more as, as I said, the Vulcan mind meld, with her, with random doggos. I think it has most to do with trying to keep an open heart and experiencing the world with one's heart. It's as real as the five usual senses. Thank you for your kind comments.
Aw yes, I did like that phrase - Trekie here
Always welcome, hon HUGS!
Stunningly poignant and beautiful Jodi.
Thank you, Michelle, I'm grateful for your words.
This post is sublimely written, Jodi. Thank you.
Well, someone is up early! ❤️