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Theo Greenblatt's avatar

A few thoughts: You have so earned a respite, and it might give you the clarity you seek about next steps. It doesn't sound like she'll have much awareness , even in a new place; or her response might be to recede into sleep.

Only you can decide when it's "time" to stop feeding her, but it might help to have someone else see what her 24-hour rhythm looks like. Given her written directive, will a hospice facility feed her if she's not asking for food...? You might want to clarify with them whether they follow your wishes or the letter of the directive.

If discontinuing food, I've read that it's best--less painful, more efficient--to discontinue fluids as well. It doesn't sound like she's experiencing hunger or thirst. My stepfather was lucid when he chose to stop eating, but he kept drinking, and that apparently just prolonged the end.

I am thinking of you and sending love and patience. <3

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Leslie Adams's avatar

I truly feel for you and your situation as this is almost word for word what I experienced with my mom in the last months of her life. We had a long talk with Hospice and how we handled my mom's eating was to ask if she wanted food, to give her what she wanted until she was done and not to force food on her. We offered her sips throughout the day. She loved her Boost (choc flavored) and this is mostly what she subsisted on. Choking and aspirating food became a definite fear as her ability to swallow became less and less. It was hard at first as this was truly letting go of any idea that she was going to "get better". My younger brother (who had no involvement in her care) asked me if I was going to just starve her. But Hospice spoke with him and got him to understand. My husband also struggled with this and he was active in her care. But he's a fixer. From the time she stopped eating any significant amount in January, she lasted until May 3. I became comfortable giving her morphine to help with the fear and agitation she experienced. She became bed bound at this point as her brain stopped talking to her body and she couldn't walk, She also developed a form of rigidity and her whole body would go stiff. Caring for her in bed took 2 people. I opted out of respite care when my husband and I left to go visit my daughter. Between the Visiting Angels caregiver, Hospice and my older brother, they provided 24 hour care. Thank goodness my mother always slept through the night. She became very sweet in these last months and loved listening to music and being read to. I found books of hers that were from her childhood and she recognized them. Once I let go of the feeding issue, life with her became much easier. It was a hard journey to get there though.

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