Caregiver Bingo, the search continues. One quit mid-shift. One lied about her experience. One needs to bring her kid. One can't get Mom to stand. Trinidad. Russia. Philippines. It's Goldilocks & the three Bears recast with an old lady & aides with impenetrable accents.
Well. Is Georgia out? I vote for her if she's still in the running, but 90 minutes both ways is a long time, but that's her choice to make. It could wear on her, and that would mean having to find someone again, but you can't predict the future, and anyone who brings butter cookies to an interview has scored big in my book. You sometimes do have to give something up to get something of value and it's great that you give so much to your mom, but you also have to take care of you. I have a funny feeling (or maybe it's more of a wish) that even though your ma may not know what's going on a lot of the time, I bet she feels your love and commitment, deep down, somewhere in there. Love to you both....and KE, too!
Georgia is out (mutual agreement). Evita is in for now, the search for perfect continues. I’m not up to the let go and let God part yet. I’m still at the you can tell what an alcoholic has given up by the claw marks part.
Your title totally described my caregiver journey. My mom came to live with me probably a little farther along in the dementia journey, but I didn't realize it. I was so naive. I started with going to care.com and self-selecting someone. I went through 3 and also learned the hard way that mom needed much more care than I thought she did. It was a definite work in progress and my mom's dementia was the type that made her completely unaware of what was going on with her. She was often argumentative and would tell the caregiver to go home. Or she would tell them other things and they would listen to her. She had a strong masking ability of her dementia and often those that didn't know her didn't think anything was wrong. This often caused communication challenges. I would be the bad guy because my mom could be so charming and manipulative (this wasn't dementia but her normal personality) and then my mom would turn on them and they would be so confused. As I discovered that she needed more care than I first realized I went to an agency. Lot's more money but at least someone else was responsible for scheduling and would find replacements if needed. We went through several caregivers and my mom became known as somewhat difficult and I was definitely extremely hands on. I wanted them to communicate with me during the day. This sometimes conflicted with agency rules. Eventually we found a caregiver that stayed for awhile but she was very needy and in order to keep her around we ended up doing way too much. She also became very territorial over my mom and started trying to cut me out of the loop. We changed to another agency at this point and had much better luck. But as my mom moved into late stage dementia she needed someone more experienced in this area. Hospice was called in as well at this point.
Caring for my mom in my home was much more complicated than I ever realized when I first decided to do it. And the complications increased as the dementia progressed. It's a full time job ( and I have a full time job) trying to manage it all.
My mom passed in May having had an angel of a caregiver for 3 months who helped me be a better daughter. It was such a blessing.
Thanks for sharing this. I started with an agency, stole two good aides from there and went to care.com when I needed to fill in replacements. I found our weekday aide there and she's great, but it really is like panning for gold. Tedious. Sounds shitty to say, but I hope mom goes before she gets much worse, before the not eating, fecal incontinence and all of that. Thank goodness I have photos of her from before because I don't want this version of her to be the one that stays in my memory..🩵
My mom had very few health problems and so decline due to dementia was her cause of death. I had no idea what that entailed and hospice was amazing in helping me understand what was to come. But I totally understand why you don't want that to be your last memories. I struggle now with looking at photos of her in her last months. The grace that came was that she got very sweet and her caregiver was amazing with her. Helped me so much. So even though she didn't know me as her daughter, she knew she loved me and was always so happy to see me throughout the day. The bathroom stuff however got very hard. And the food issues. And thank you for sharing your journey. Even though my mom passed, it helps to share.
Uh which one are YOU leaning towards now, Jodi..From what you've said if Evita can gently support your Mum moving on and off the toilet she may be the only choice, if she stops poking your Mum literally, and shown where the line for not provoking-poking you is too! ;-) You know better than anyone else what you and your Mum need. I hope someone melts into the care routine as it is, as disruptions are big stressors. I'm sending hugs and prayers up for a kind-hearted, strong (can safely transfer your Mum), who lives nearby, and is empathetic AND silly-fun person - that this person shows up like Mary Poppins! Those are my wishes for you both. Maybe we need to rewrite Mary Poppins and ask Dame Julie Andrews to help.
I will always remember the caregiver journey for my father— it started with getting racist advice from my dentist (who was also my father’s dentist). I won’t spell it all out here - but he explained why the person needed to be Filipino after smearing every other cultural cohort. Then, I interviewed companies and got more innuendo about race/ethnicity. Annoyed and ignoring all of that noise, I found a great live-in caregiver for weekdays but went through 7 weekenders. You nailed it. Compromises- with a healthy dose of skepticism, suspicion and gut-trusting. As for pets, I will admit to being much more granular and involved than I was with my father. I wrote a 20 page manual to all the ways my cat and dog need to be cared for 24/7. Still, I know it gets customized and not followed but I have learned to turn that over to a higher power. Out of my control. My father died of a heart attack while the weekend person was there. I was out of town on business when I got the call. He didn’t like this caregiver and I discovered she falsified his signature and had him cash a check for 5K and she used his credit card at Target the day he died (which is what tipped me off to research finances). Anyway, I still feel icky about him dying on her watch — but I work through it. Sorry for this long comment but it struck a chord (as your beautiful writing always does.)
Thanks for sharing this, it sounds incredibly painful. Further creeped out by the abuse of trust with the finances and taking advantage of someone she was supposed to be caring for. - One of the reasons I haven't gone the agency route is lack of control over who cares for mom. I refuse to believe that I can have such a great person during the week, but another one doesn't exist for weekends. Also, not only are agencies SO much more expensive, the aides get SO much less of the money. Much less than 50% of the hourly fee that's charged. I'd rather pay someone good directly. I haven't given up hope yet. Side note: I have the BEST caregiver for my furkids. She's really amazing, even for the special needs kids I had. That was so much easier, probably the fact that she is caring for my furkids when I'm not around to witness anything, and the aides are here when I am a lot of the time so I hear and witness everything. I mean, would Michaela have told me she almost dropped Mom on the floor if I hadn't been here? No. Of course not. Working on turning it over, it's a process, as you know.🩵💙
No don’t give up hope. If I had a chance to do it over again, i hope i would make other choices. And since there are no do-overs, not giving up will serve you and mom well ❤️
Well. Is Georgia out? I vote for her if she's still in the running, but 90 minutes both ways is a long time, but that's her choice to make. It could wear on her, and that would mean having to find someone again, but you can't predict the future, and anyone who brings butter cookies to an interview has scored big in my book. You sometimes do have to give something up to get something of value and it's great that you give so much to your mom, but you also have to take care of you. I have a funny feeling (or maybe it's more of a wish) that even though your ma may not know what's going on a lot of the time, I bet she feels your love and commitment, deep down, somewhere in there. Love to you both....and KE, too!
Georgia is out (mutual agreement). Evita is in for now, the search for perfect continues. I’m not up to the let go and let God part yet. I’m still at the you can tell what an alcoholic has given up by the claw marks part.
Got it. xoxo
Your title totally described my caregiver journey. My mom came to live with me probably a little farther along in the dementia journey, but I didn't realize it. I was so naive. I started with going to care.com and self-selecting someone. I went through 3 and also learned the hard way that mom needed much more care than I thought she did. It was a definite work in progress and my mom's dementia was the type that made her completely unaware of what was going on with her. She was often argumentative and would tell the caregiver to go home. Or she would tell them other things and they would listen to her. She had a strong masking ability of her dementia and often those that didn't know her didn't think anything was wrong. This often caused communication challenges. I would be the bad guy because my mom could be so charming and manipulative (this wasn't dementia but her normal personality) and then my mom would turn on them and they would be so confused. As I discovered that she needed more care than I first realized I went to an agency. Lot's more money but at least someone else was responsible for scheduling and would find replacements if needed. We went through several caregivers and my mom became known as somewhat difficult and I was definitely extremely hands on. I wanted them to communicate with me during the day. This sometimes conflicted with agency rules. Eventually we found a caregiver that stayed for awhile but she was very needy and in order to keep her around we ended up doing way too much. She also became very territorial over my mom and started trying to cut me out of the loop. We changed to another agency at this point and had much better luck. But as my mom moved into late stage dementia she needed someone more experienced in this area. Hospice was called in as well at this point.
Caring for my mom in my home was much more complicated than I ever realized when I first decided to do it. And the complications increased as the dementia progressed. It's a full time job ( and I have a full time job) trying to manage it all.
My mom passed in May having had an angel of a caregiver for 3 months who helped me be a better daughter. It was such a blessing.
Thanks for sharing this. I started with an agency, stole two good aides from there and went to care.com when I needed to fill in replacements. I found our weekday aide there and she's great, but it really is like panning for gold. Tedious. Sounds shitty to say, but I hope mom goes before she gets much worse, before the not eating, fecal incontinence and all of that. Thank goodness I have photos of her from before because I don't want this version of her to be the one that stays in my memory..🩵
My mom had very few health problems and so decline due to dementia was her cause of death. I had no idea what that entailed and hospice was amazing in helping me understand what was to come. But I totally understand why you don't want that to be your last memories. I struggle now with looking at photos of her in her last months. The grace that came was that she got very sweet and her caregiver was amazing with her. Helped me so much. So even though she didn't know me as her daughter, she knew she loved me and was always so happy to see me throughout the day. The bathroom stuff however got very hard. And the food issues. And thank you for sharing your journey. Even though my mom passed, it helps to share.
Uh which one are YOU leaning towards now, Jodi..From what you've said if Evita can gently support your Mum moving on and off the toilet she may be the only choice, if she stops poking your Mum literally, and shown where the line for not provoking-poking you is too! ;-) You know better than anyone else what you and your Mum need. I hope someone melts into the care routine as it is, as disruptions are big stressors. I'm sending hugs and prayers up for a kind-hearted, strong (can safely transfer your Mum), who lives nearby, and is empathetic AND silly-fun person - that this person shows up like Mary Poppins! Those are my wishes for you both. Maybe we need to rewrite Mary Poppins and ask Dame Julie Andrews to help.
Thanks. Still looking...
Crossing fingers and sending out little prayers.xoxo
Thanks babes. And thank you for the restack!
I will always remember the caregiver journey for my father— it started with getting racist advice from my dentist (who was also my father’s dentist). I won’t spell it all out here - but he explained why the person needed to be Filipino after smearing every other cultural cohort. Then, I interviewed companies and got more innuendo about race/ethnicity. Annoyed and ignoring all of that noise, I found a great live-in caregiver for weekdays but went through 7 weekenders. You nailed it. Compromises- with a healthy dose of skepticism, suspicion and gut-trusting. As for pets, I will admit to being much more granular and involved than I was with my father. I wrote a 20 page manual to all the ways my cat and dog need to be cared for 24/7. Still, I know it gets customized and not followed but I have learned to turn that over to a higher power. Out of my control. My father died of a heart attack while the weekend person was there. I was out of town on business when I got the call. He didn’t like this caregiver and I discovered she falsified his signature and had him cash a check for 5K and she used his credit card at Target the day he died (which is what tipped me off to research finances). Anyway, I still feel icky about him dying on her watch — but I work through it. Sorry for this long comment but it struck a chord (as your beautiful writing always does.)
Thanks for sharing this, it sounds incredibly painful. Further creeped out by the abuse of trust with the finances and taking advantage of someone she was supposed to be caring for. - One of the reasons I haven't gone the agency route is lack of control over who cares for mom. I refuse to believe that I can have such a great person during the week, but another one doesn't exist for weekends. Also, not only are agencies SO much more expensive, the aides get SO much less of the money. Much less than 50% of the hourly fee that's charged. I'd rather pay someone good directly. I haven't given up hope yet. Side note: I have the BEST caregiver for my furkids. She's really amazing, even for the special needs kids I had. That was so much easier, probably the fact that she is caring for my furkids when I'm not around to witness anything, and the aides are here when I am a lot of the time so I hear and witness everything. I mean, would Michaela have told me she almost dropped Mom on the floor if I hadn't been here? No. Of course not. Working on turning it over, it's a process, as you know.🩵💙
No don’t give up hope. If I had a chance to do it over again, i hope i would make other choices. And since there are no do-overs, not giving up will serve you and mom well ❤️